"I went to pick up my 4-year-old girl from her nursery. When I got there, the nursery nurse asked for a quick word about 'soft hands' (this is basically what they say anytime kids raise a hand to one another).
She told me that my little girl had punched a boy in the face, but she started giggling and struggling to keep a straight face. Perplexed I asked why and kind of started giggling myself.
'She said he was "Happy at her."'
I took her home and asked her what had happened, basically this little boy had walked up to her and with a giant smile and shouted, 'Hi Chloe!' She whacked him.
I told her in the car how you cant hit people blah blah and that if she was sorry we wouldn't tell her mummy. Queue mum coming home from work. 'Mummy, I hit a boy in the face!'
My wife turns to me and says 'Why did she hit someone in the face?' I had a beanie hat on, so I pulled it over my face and just burst out laughing.
'I hit him because he was happy at me, mum!'
Now if you ask me, that's as good a reason as any! It was a Monday after all!" (Source)
"Usually we give our 8-month-old baths in the tub, but if we're pressed for time I just bring him into the shower with me. A few days ago, he wriggled off my shoulder, fell forward, flipped around in the air, and I caught him two inches from hitting the tub floor. She doesn't need to know, he doesn't need to know. It's nice to know that I have Dad Reflexes though" (Source)
"I built a treehouse in the woods behind our house for our eldest. I decided to jump on the floor to prove it was strong enough to support us. It was, but the old oak tree limb wasn't. Luckily I was still young and the fall wasn't too high.
The two older kids laughed their a--es off and I spent a couple of weeks doing my best to hide bruises and little cuts from my wife. Fast forward about 20 years and we're all laughing and telling stories. This is the one that my wife brings up. Apparently the youngest blabbed as soon as Mommy got home. My wife let me suffer in silence to see how long the rest of us would keep our little conspiracy of silence" (Source)
"I took my older two sons to a baseball game at Yankee Stadium last spring. They were six and five at the time. We were waiting in line at a concession stand and the boys were both right next to me. I reached down to grab my 5-year-old son's hand and he was gone. I asked my older son if he saw where his brother went and he didn't, so I went into full panic mode. I was screaming his name, asking strangers if they saw him, etc. I honestly thought he was gone. I ended up finding him and everything was fine (he left because he was looking for a bathroom), but I felt horrible.
I told them on the way home that this is probably something we should keep between us. They agreed until we got back home and they proudly ran to their mom to tell her that I lost the 5-year-old" (Source)
"My parents had just had oak floors put through the entire house, they were beautiful and my mom was quite literally in love with them. My parents decided to paint the living room just after the floors were installed. So my mom went to work, I went to school and my dad stayed home to paint with the plan to pick me up that afternoon from school. My dad was very late, and I was starting to get a bit worried, when all of a sudden, I see him fly up to pick me up at school, d--- near taking the turn on two wheels.
He drove a '66 Mustang at the time and as he was rounding the corner he was opening the passenger door telling me to get in before he had even stopped the car. I was terrified, thinking someone was hurt so I am yelling, trying to figure stuff out as I am getting in the car while my dad keeps yelling, 'Just get in, I will explain later,' and started driving off before I closed the door.
On the way home, he explains that he lost his balance on the ladder while painting and spilled an entire bucket of paint on the brand new oak floors. My dad was late because he was trying to clean it up, but knew he had to come get me and needed the help. Luckily, the paint hadn't dried yet and, with a lot of elbow grease and cleaning supplies, we got it off the floor before my mom got home. She didn't know about it until about 15 years later" (Source)
"I was probably all of 10 years old, and my dad got a ticket for running a red light while taking me to school. He didn't ask me not to tell mom.
So, of course I snitched that afternoon, sitting in the kitchen while my mom fixed a snack. She turned and fixed her stare on me for a few seconds before turning back to the carrots. 'Don't tell your dad you told me,' she said. 'I want to see how long it takes before he tells me.'
He confessed at the dinner table" (Source)
"My son was 18-months-old and already a wise acre. He was playing with his toy cars at the dinner table. He held out the police car and, even though he wasn't really talking, he said to his mom, very clearly, the word 'Da' with a grin. I had been pulled over on the way to his daycare that morning for a rolling stop. The little f---er had planned out exactly how he was going to rat me out"(Source)
"When my son was three years old, I had to hop in the shower real quick. Plan was for him to sit on the floor and play with a couple of his toys while I cleaned up. Unbeknownst to me, he somehow pulled up the stopper in the sink and turned on the faucet. Obviously, with the water running in the shower, I didn't notice the other source of running water. I was in there for like 3 minutes and in that amount of time, the sink overflowed and there was like an inch of water throughout the whole bathroom and he's just standing there jumping up and down like he's splashing puddles on a rainy day.
I mop up everything, change him, drain out all the drawers the water seeped in to, etc. I say, 'Hey bud, don't tell mommy.'
First thing he says when she walks in was, 'Mommy, I made a waterfall in the sink!' Innocent enough and I could've just made up something to cover but I couldn't not laugh my a-- off the way he phrased it so my wife was suspicious. I ended up coming clean but I might have to revisit the whole 'snitches get stitches' talk with my son just in case" (Source)
"My dad is a total gearhead. Motorcycles, cars, ATVs, you name it. He's been tinkering with engines since he could walk and talk.
One pleasant summer day, he took his motorcycle out for a nice day-ride. He circled back after a while, called me outside as he grabbed the second helmet, and handed it to me.
This was not unusual. Back before his job kept him so busy, he'd take me or one of my siblings on rides all the time. Y'know, cool good dad stuff. Eventually he taught us all how to ride, too.
Anyway, things on this ride were going normal. I did notice that he went up an on-ramp to the highway rather fast though, but I didn't think much else of it at the time. That is, until we got back to the house and put the bike in the garage, he asks me, 'How fast do you think I took that entrance ramp?'
I said, 'I dunno...like, maybe 70 mph?'
He leans in and said, 'Don't tell your mother...we were going waaay over 100.'
Luckily, he is not nearly as reckless nowadays" (Source)
"I let my daughter (who's nine now) play GTA V. She essentially plays it like a life sim. Stops at all the red lights while driving, takes Rocky for walks. Does normal s--- and even surrenders to the police if she accidentally gets any Wanted Stars. I think it's adorable" (Source)
"One night I was enjoying a small bit of ice cream after my 4-year-old daughter went to bed. She came downstairs and 'caught' me. So I offered her a small bite, but since she was supposed to be in bed, I said, 'Don't tell mom.' She assured me she wouldn't. My wife wouldn't have cared anyway, but it was a fun little game to play. After she went up to bed and I was down on the couch, she snuck into the master bedroom where mom was resting. She told mom that I had let her have some ice cream, and she was afraid of 'sugar bugs' so could she please brush her teeth again.
My wife just laughed at me the next day. Little s--- ratted me out to brush her teeth, something she doesn't like doing anyway"(Source)
"Not me, but a coworker. His three-year-old daughter put her glasses on the tray at McDonald's, and both she and her Dad forgot about them and they got thrown out. They drove halfway home before they realized it, turned around, and went back to the McDonald's. The trash had been taken to the dumpster already. Daddio literally got in the dumpster, found the bag, and dug out the glasses. At the end, he was telling his daughter, 'Mom doesn't need to know about this'" (Source)
"I put my 2.5-year-old on a chair at a gyro restaurant and told her to wait while I got us drinks. I was constantly checking behind me to make sure she was ok and I was only about 8 feet away. I turned around briefly to press the button on the soda machine, and in that time she stood up, turned around and tipped the chair over.
I looked behind me just in time to see her fall straight on her face and slam her fingers between the chair and floor. Her nose started gushing blood and everyone in the restaurant was staring at me with judging or sympathetic eyes. The employees helped me clean her up and eventually she calmed down.
So many dad points down the drain...sometimes s--- happens" (Source)
"My mother left for a weekend, and it was the first time my dad did not go with her. Typically all us 5 kids would be pawned off to different relatives, but my dad told my mom that he could handle us. He was wrong.
During the first day she was gone, the following happened:
One of my brothers tried to go swimming in the lagoon (giant area where all of the farm animals' s--- was put, entering it would equal instant drowning). My father caught him by the lip, in trunks, a snorkel, and a face mask.
On the other side of the property, one of my other brothers was doing his best to try to convince my sister to grab the electric fence. She did so.
I was in the house, and decided I was going to try and help my dad with dinner. (8 years old, bad idea.) I lit the candles, just like mom always did for supper. I had put the tall napkin holder right next to the candles and what do you know? Fire happened. I foolishly put it out using my bare hands.
My eldest brother wanted to drive the four wheeler, but he knew the rules-adult supervision required. He didn't know where my dad was, so decided to just go for it. He ended up swerving, and taking out some of my mother's prized, expensive saplings.
When my dad finally corralled us all together, he lost his s---. Other than my sister's and I burns, everything could just not be mentioned to mom. Except for the trees, they were my mother's babies. So we all went outside with a roll of duct tape each, and taped those trees back together. My dad painted the tape to make it blend in.
My father told us that under no uncertain terms were the events of this weekend ever be mentioned to mother" (Source)